Melancholy

Yesterday, I found myself a bit tired of what I was watching. I’d spent most of my weekend enjoying Almost Paradise, How I Met Your Mother, and Smallville. I’m a big fan of lighthearted shows so I was pretty content up until Sunday when suddenly, I struggled to stay focused on any one particular show.

With Brandy having band camp all week, I’d had nine days of uninterrupted television watching. I did some cleaning around the house and some decluttering, but due to the extreme temperature outside I just wasn’t interested in moving all that much. I’m even a bit behind on my exercise.

On Sundays, I typically watch sitcoms. I like the short little bursts of funny to help me not focus on the week to come. Then by Sunday night, I like to focus on a topic to help get me through the week. It might be a genre of movies or a book, or even just something I want to do more. If I give myself something to focus on that isn’t work, it tends to make my week go by better.

But despite having great success with Superman and Jack Reacher lately, I just wasn’t channeling anything last night. I was sort of exhausted, despite having barely moved all weekend.

I woke up this morning and things felt off. I was still unfocused and unsure of how I’d spend my downtime this week. I struggled to find some music to listen to while working and it suddenly hit me, I was suffering from a melancholy.

I cued up the soundtrack from Good Will Hunting and suddenly, things felt okay. I think I’ve spent my time watching and consuming entertainment that lacks substance and I think my mind is demanding a bit more. I can only take it easy so long, before the brain begins to beg for a bit of a challenge.

I also found myself feeling a bit nostalgic this morning, which I’m guessing played into things. Sometimes I look around at the world and I don’t recognize it. It just doesn’t seem real, and I feel sadness for the past.

I remember when my dad kicked me out. Things felt so temporary. I was just having to survive for a few days, which turned to weeks, and then to months. I stopped watching cable, I stopped feeling so plugged into pop culture and the world. I began sheltering myself at that time, and it’s almost as if I never stopped.

Sometimes I think about watching a TV show, that I feel like just came on a couple of years ago. Something like How I Met Your Mother. Then I realize it came on almost twenty years ago. It stopped airing almost ten years ago. This wasn’t just during my short break away from having cable. Then again, I’ve had cable for years and I don’t watch it. The world has changed.

I don’t want to live in the past, but I’m not thrilled about the future. I guess, that’s why you should live in the moment, huh?

With entertainment being discarded, the internet losing its shine, the type of movies I like not being made, and I guess the world just chugging along maybe it’s gotten to me a bit today.

And maybe it’s a weird clock in my head that led me to Good Will Hunting, but I have to admit that Robin Williams who will have been gone for nine years ago in a couple weeks, has popped in my mind a few times. I honestly don’t know if I can think of anyone who this world needed more than him. In a way, his passing haunts me more than my own families and friends. There was just something about him and the world seems worse off with him not being around.

So, today I’m melancholy. I’m not depressed nor in emotional distress, I just don’t feel myself and I’m a bit on the sad side. Nothing wrong with this, I’m sure I’ll feel better in a day or two.