It's clear that has something has changed inside me over the last few weeks. It began after Halloween. I completed a throwback series of posts that reminded me of blogging from the past, while also honoring a friend who passed away. I mentioned previously, that one thing I remember her telling me was "The past is a good place to visit, not to live" and it seems like that message has finally gotten through to me. In a way, I feel like my series of posts were an homage to an old version of myself, a tribute to a friend, and the closing of that chapter of my life.
My obsession with the past dates back to my childhood. I've always look back to the 70s, 80s, and 90s for inspiration on how to live and how to be entertained. I've gone out of my way to study and embrace the lifestyles of distant years, and now, I realize that in order to be happy, I need to stop looking behind me, and instead look ahead. I need to find contentment in the present and put my efforts into achieving that.
The moment I embraced this idea, and realized that the past was holding me back, so much in my life begin to shift. My belongings lost their meaning, so many of my thoughts became exhausting, and my hobbies useless. It sounds bad, but it was liberating. It was like I was shaking off something that no longer fit me, and I now had room to explore and find something new. I was no longer being defined by what I owned and what I liked, and instead, I was free to just be me.
During this period, my forty-second birthday passed, and I remarked to my wife that this birthday felt more like a transition than when I turned forty. I had so much anxiety and expectation that forty was going to be some great awakening, but it was just another day. And while I can't say my birthday played any part in this, I do find the timing convenient.
It was also around this time that my wife and I had a long talk about happiness. She mentioned that when we first met, six years ago, I seemed to be in a more peaceful place. She is right. I feel like I lost what grounded me during COVID, and I've never completely recovered. We chatted about how life has changed, and what may have played a part in this shift, and while I can't point my finger at anything particular, I do think the way I use the internet and my free time have played a major part in this slow slide into anxiousness. I spent more time absorbing negativity online, and I don't spend near enough time offline, countering that with healthy habits.
It was during this discussion that I revealed to her my thoughts about how something has changed and the reasoning behind me donating so much of my belongings. I wanted to reassure her that I was not struggling or going through a midlife crisis, but I felt like this was the next step in my natural evolution. My things, my interests, my obsessions... had served their purpose. They had provided me with the necessary distractions that I needed throughout my twenties and thirties, but now as I progress through middle-age, they are no longer needed. Much like a young child with a favorite blanket or teddy bear, I've evolved past the need for these distractions to make it through the day, and it's clear my way forward is with a less attached mind.
That's not to say I won't ever watch a favorite TV series or get excited about a video game, It’s just now I am able to put these things into perspective. My entire mood won't shift based on how these things are received, and I'm not going to jump through hoops or spend lots of money to experience them. I want a simple, low-maintenance life, and I'm going to do everything in my power to experience that. This is my number one priority moving forward.
My wife asked me the hard question, "What does that look like to you?" And while I confessed, I was still rumbling with these new thoughts and hadn't fully formulated a clear view, I know I want to rely less on external items/interests for my happiness. I want to find ways to simplify my daily life and activities, and I want to begin to make decisions based on whether something would invite chaos, distraction, or aggravation into my life. I want to read more, spend less, and move my body. I want to explore ways to cultivate happiness within and to set more boundaries. In many ways, I want to take ownership of my life as I transition into this next stage.