On Not Selling Myself Short
When I was eighteen, I worked weekends at a local hospital doing registration for the emergency department. I spent my weekdays attending community college and my free time dreaming about making movies. Then one day that all came crashing down.
I got an unexpected call at work from my father. He told me not to come home. All I had was the scrubs I was wearing, my cell phone, and a few hundred dollars in the bank.
I didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't a troublemaker. I didn't drink or do drugs. I never caused any issues. I was a straight A student who graduated from high school early. So, to say this was unexpected would be an understatement.
To this day, I don't know the exact reasoning for this phone call. My father was abusing alcohol and prescription drugs and my stepmother was bitter that her children (who did not live with us) had wrecked their lives with drugs and teenage pregnancy. But something happened and out of nowhere, I found myself homeless.
That day really screwed me up. All the safety and security I grew up with was taken away in an instant. I believe this was the day that I entered what they like to call "survivor mode." The anxiety I carry around jobs and housing is intense. I'm always waiting for something bad to happen and for years, I've kept the amount of items I own to a bare minimum just in case I need to move somewhere fast.
I've worked on this in a variety of ways, but I would say my progress has not been what I'd like. I don't feel like I have a safety net nor a place to go if things get bad or go wrong, and that's just a horrible feeling to live with each day. So, I'm slow to make changes because why would I want to rock the boat and possibly find myself scrambling?
Where this has hurt me the most is in my career. I've stayed in jobs far too long when they no longer offered any value to me. I was pretty much paralyzed to move. I'd find myself in a bad situation, and I'd just find a way to tolerate it because I didn't want to add any uncertainty to my life. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of and mistreated more than I ever should have. I would only make a change when things became so unbearably bad that I had no other option. The option for change and the risk of chaos was more tolerable than the abuse or disrespect I was enduring at my job.
When I left my most job in August, I knew I was swapping a career path position for a regular job. I was going to leave government work for healthcare and hopefully have some time to heal from the burnout. That is not what has happened.
On Mastodon, Lou mentioned he hoped I would do well working with the public in my new job and I was pretty confident that would not be an issue for me. In my previous position, I was handling a high volume of calls, chats, and walk-ins from the public, almost always when they were upset. I knew that had worn on me some, but I think I underestimated exactly how much. In my new role, I definitely encounter less angry people, but I have no tolerance for the rude or angry ones. My burnout has definitely extended in dealing with the public.
I immediately went to work convincing myself that I'll be okay. I just need to stick with this job for a few months, and it all will work itself out. My wife, having seen me deal with what I deal with at my last job, was quick to point out that this doesn't sound like a good fit for me and she has encouraged me to step away and find something else. At first, I repelled at such a thought (you know, survivor mode) but it planted a seed within me.
As discussed the other day, I have a choice. I can leave this job. I can try something else. I can take a few weeks to get myself organized. I don't have to be miserable. Sure, if I'm out of work it's going to put a major stress on our finances, but maybe that's the consequence I have to pay to feel better mentally and find something that is better suited for myself.
I don't normally take risks like that, but I'm also getting older. I mean, I'm about to turn forty-one. Life is passing me by, and I can't waste any more years in miserable situations. As my wife put it, we don't have any kids and can't afford them or a house, so we really shouldn't have to make ourselves miserable trying to have a certain lifestyle. I think that's a good point.
I went to an interview at Best Buy in my early twenties. The interviewer asked me why I sell myself short. I think I've always done that. It's just feels safe. Well... I think it's time to change that.