Forks

I haven’t felt much like blogging lately. I’ve spent a lot of time journaling, and I just haven’t had much to say.

Truth of the matter is I’m struggling a bit. My back is healed up, but my head just isn’t where I’d like it to be and my job is the culprit.

I’m not happy. In fact, I’d say since my recent promotion, I’m downright frustrated. I’m not satisfied with the type of work I’m doing nor do I have any interest in it. The workload if unfairly balanced and my attempts to reach out of my supervisor with concerns were rudely disregarded. Her response, wiped what little morale I had left, and now I just go in and try my best not to be miserable and make it till quitting time.

I’ve spent quite a bit of time exploring why I’m so unhappy and there is the obvious burnout as well as the unequal work conditions where I work in the office and everyone else works from home. I thought with my promotion (I took the job for someone who worked from home) I’d get to work from home, but instead my old position just merged with my new one. Then the supervisor I was slated to replace in the future, had her responsibilities stripped and given to me, so now there is no supervisor position to aspire to. I was told on my first day that supervisor job would be mine, and now I’m destined to work in the office with no upward mobility and that just doesn’t work for me.

But outside of that, I don’t think I’m made for such isolation. I make my friends at work, and while I encounter just as many people that annoy me, I’m really easy to get along with and I miss those little connections. I miss someone to vent a little about how my day is going or some stupid new policy. I miss someone just asking how I’m doing or how the job is going. I work completely isolated with no real communication outside of people calling, which is usually to scream at me. This is no way to live.

I’m late to the party, but my wife and I started watching The Bear a few weeks ago. I don’t want to spoil it for anyone, because it’s wonderful to go in blind, but there is an episode titled Forks (thus the blog name) that is flat-out inspiring. I see myself in Richie is someways (and definitely not in others) and I miss that self-respect. I noticed lately my khakis are a bit ragged, and the ends of them are frayed, but I just cut off the loose pieces and go into work. I mean, no one sees me, and no one cares, so why should I? This is a terrible attitude to have, and is something rather new to me.

I also noticed it with the clothes I wear when I get off of work. I bought some cheap athletic shirts from Walmart three years ago, and I just keep wearing them despite how stained and torn up they’ve become. This is not me, this is not how I behave.

I went online and bought myself some new shirts on Amazon as well as a few nicer summer shirts. I don’t want to spend too much money on my work clothes, since I’m actively seeking new employment, but I’m going to throw out the frayed pants. I need my self-respect back. I need to find my purpose.