Metal-Sludge – Brandon’s Journal

This blog began as a list of some of my favorite websites from yesteryear, but I wrote so much about Metal-Sludge, I decided to give it its own post.

Unlike many of my favorite sites from twenty years ago, this one is actually still around. Just this morning, I was browsing Metal-Sludge and that is what inspired me to write this post. Once a daily visit, I now visit Metal-Sludge four or five times a year.

Metal-Sludge is a website about 80s and 90s hair metal. Founded in 1998, Metal-Sludge’s heyday was probably 2000-2004, when it was a beacon for fans of glam rock and hair metal, since at that time nostalgia had not quite kicked in yet. For the longest time, it was run anonymously, but eventually it was revealed that glam rock band Tuff’s singer Stevie Rachelle was behind the website.

The site was known for its Gossip Board, a once very active message board, and it’s World Famous Penis Chart, which gathered first-hand (pun intended) accounts from groupies regarding the size of various rock star genitalia.

I had two connections to Metal-Sludge back in the day. The first was in the year 2000 when wrestler Chris Jericho founded his band Fozzy. Initially, he took a Spinal Tap approach, using fake names and creating a false backstory of an 80s hair band that was huge in Japan but never gained fame in the States. During the promotion for the debut album, Metal-Sludge ran a writing contest and I finished second after writing a fake story about following the band around Japan in the 80s. I won a Fozzy poster, a signed CD, and a Metal-Sludge t-shirt that said, “The Few, The Proud, the Bitter” on the back, which pissed off some random teacher while I was in high school for some reason. Here’s porn star Jasmine St. Claire modeling the said shirt.

I was shocked to discover the Winner’s page on Archive, including my very poorly written story. I decided to spare everyone that terrible read and instead just post pictures of the page.

The second connection was when my question was selected to be answered by star Asia Carrera. Every month, Metal-Sludge had porn stars answer relationship questions, and as a teenager in 2001 who was into 80s metal, I certainly wasn’t attracting the chicks. So, I wrote to ask advice on how to find girls who didn’t listen to Creed. I wish I could find the answer, but basically she told me to shut up and buy some Creed tickets. She also offered to sleep with me, if I took care of her Blockbuster late fees.

Metal-Sludge was also a great site to learn about new bands and upcoming albums. Half-Cocked was a small band out of Boston that I love, and I only learned about thanks to a 20 Questions on Metal-Sludge. The closest to fame they got was the cover of Bad Reputation they did for the Shrek soundtrack.

My fandom of 80s metal and glam rock came in the mid-90s, when VH-1 began airing Behind the Music featuring these bands. Of course, the world was different back then, so my education of these bands came from walking into used CDs stores and blind buying, along with reading whatever I could on Metal-Sludge. While the actual website’s content had a heavy hand of satire and edgy content, the gossip board was a wealth of education. Simple posts like, ‘What is your favorite forgotten ballad’ led me down so many different paths to discover music that I still listen to regularly today. If you’re curious, two songs that came out of that post were by the band Giant, I’ll See You in My Dreams and Stay.

Metal-Sludge is a great example of what I once loved about the internet. It was created for entertainment purposes. A small community sprung up on the message board, but things remained pretty civil. There were no politics, no rage bait, nor protests. Just people joking about the size of rock star’s penis. Mature? No, but I’d much rather read that than another post about why the new iPhone sucks or why someone is boycotting/cancelling/quitting whatever they are mad about today.

Edit: So, despite spending an hour looking for the question I mentioned above, after I hit publish I thought of a different way to search and found an archive that was dead, but that led me to another link I could search! Bingo! I found it.

First off, corrections. It was not Asia Carrera, it was Kendra Jade who responded along with Josie Pearl.

I’m going to leave out my question… because well, I was eighteen and it was a different time, but please know these responses will definitely a bit raunchier than what you’d expect on my blog. I mean, they are coming from porn stars.

Josie: Try buying some tickets to the Poison show this summer, getting some friends together and talking to some girls there, because obviously they have similar taste. Avoid the ones with knee pads and sticky passes, cause you ain’t gonna get no where, and avoid the ones there with dates. Should work out just fine for ya.

Kendra: Dear Assistant at Blockbuster, I recently rented Donnie Darko on dvd and returned it 17 days late. I’ll make you a deal, erase my late charges and I’ll come and fuck you!! Now only if it were that easy. WAKE UP!! It’s quite obvious that the place you need to go to find cute chicks your age is: A CREED CONCERT..suck it up, call the girl, buy 2 tickets, a couple t-shirts, spend a couple of hours praising jesus and singing “when you are with me I’m freeeeee..” and see your self at first base by the 2nd encore…get home, nail her and then celebrate with some Appetite For Destruction…if she leaves, oh well – you got yours..otherwise, let me know about those late charges..