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Now What? ‍

Tyler Durden: My dad never went to college, so it was real important that I go.
Narrator: Sounds familiar.
Tyler Durden: So I graduate, I call him up long distance, I say “Dad, now what?” He says, “Get a job.”
Narrator: Same here.
Tyler Durden: Now I’m 25, make my yearly call again. I say Dad, “Now what?” He says, “I don’t know, get married.”
Narrator: I can’t get married, I’m a 30 year old boy.

Sunday night, I found myself anxious. Experiencing the Sunday Blues is something I commonly deal with, but this was something else. Something deeper and more unsettling. All day long, I felt it hanging over me, but it wasn’t until I snapped at my wife (something I never do) that I realized something was boiling beneath the surface.

I took some time to journal, but I didn’t feel any better afterwards. However, I was able to uncover what I feel is the root of the issue. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now.

I’ve spent my entire adult life dreading turning forty, then once I realized how illogical that was, I felt better. Still, now that I’ve turned forty, I find myself asking, now what?

A few weeks ago, I mentioned how I didn’t know how to grow older, and I think all of this anxiety stems from that. I just don’t know what the next step is in my life. Do I pursue a spiritual path or continue to distance myself from it? Do I change my television watching habits? Do I start looking for a new job or do I coast a bit further in the one I have now? Or do I just need to accept that nothing really changed over the weekend, and I need to just keep living?

I realized there was no way for me to figure this all out before bed, so I wrote a blog post (which then somehow I lost) and I hoped it would settle me enough to get a good night’s sleep. Thankfully, it did, and while I’m no closer to figuring out how to proceed, I think by writing it out and acknowledging it, has given me a little space to process.

Maybe, at the core, I feel like at forty, you should have it all figured out? That didn’t magically happen over the weekend, so my mind needs a little time to accept that.

Well, so much for avoiding the existential crisis around my birthday. 🙂

Published inSelf-Reflection

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